Happy Holidays: A Survial Guide

As the leaves begin to turn and that summer's breeze becomes a winter's chill, I begin to get that feeling that I always get around this time. Its an odd mixture of both glee and dread because while its beginning to feel a lot like Christmas......its beginning to feel A LOT like Christmas.

A HoliDAY In The Life Of Mr. Wise Guy : A Guide For Survival.

It all starts out so simple...

Momma Wise Woman in the kitchen cooking up good food early in the morning.

Poppa Wise Guy on the couch.

So innocent.

As Alvin & The Chipmunks perform a stirring rendition of Jingle Bells, I sit thoroughly satisfied by the thought that for at least one day out of the year I can sit back and relax and have no worries besides who will try and beat me to the macaroni and cheese for seconds.

It starts out so simple....

But then

You add
The family.....

12 Wise Guys Eating....

I was watching the Discovery Channel one night before bed (because sometimes I do that...the voiceover actors voice is as soothing as VaporRub...but I've digressed) and I learned something very interesting. The Relative or the FreeLoaderus Judgementalist as they are commonly referred to in the scientific community, is an elusive beast. That being said, the Freeloaderus Judgementalist can not resist the lure of free food or free money. So holidays are the most dangerous times for us regular folk. I can still feel the tossing and turning of my stomach as I looked out the window and saw them coming one by one, being carried by the nostrils via the food aromas eminating from the Wise Guy home. As I open the door to greet cousin after cousin that I havent seen since LAST holiday, no sugar plum fairies danced in my head. By the end of the night they will have eaten them all.

11 Wise Guys Asking Dumb Questions:

While the Freeloaderus Judgementalist ravenously packs its gullet with the feast you have prepared, you will undoubtedly be forced to endure the same "thought provoking" questions. You know the ones I'm talking about. They are the Freeloaderus Judgementalist equivalent "Nice weather we're having" or "How about those Chicago Bears?" Those dreadful questions where nobody cares about the question or the answer...just senseless conversation to cover up the clinking of knives and forks hitting plates they dont own and feeding stomachs that didnt bother to bring any food to contribute. The family favorite would have to be the classic, "So, Mr. Wise Guy, when are you going to get married?" A question that perplexes me considering I haven't even been able to drink long enough for that novelty to first wear off. I usually just reply with a joke, all the while knowing that with the amount of food they consume, garbage the produce and trouble they create, when i do get married the Freeloaderus Judgementalist will most likely be the last to know.





10 Wise Guys Drinking...



Its the same story every year, and yet, I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching it play out. No matter what event it might be, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Independence Day, it never fails that within about twenty minutes of the designated start time (and since black people are always late... this fact is even more entertaining) someone will be drunk. And not just that "I'm a little dizzy so I should sit down" drunk, but that "Lets all just look away and pretend that he didn't just say that" drunk. Yes, in the Wise Guy family there is a third lethal vice of the Freeloaderus Judgementalist. While most zoos tell you not to feed the animals, my advice to you if you ever have the pleasure of joining in our festivities, is to never EVER let them drink. Yes, this pack of wild boose hounds will wander (or stumble) aimlessly about the gathering loudly taking offense to things you said (or they imagined you said) back in 1987. Some of these boose hounds will readily remind you of every reason why their life has been so much harder than yours, somehow forgetting you all crawled from the same swamp. Others will bounce from person to person telling stories with points that never seem to show up to an audience that never seems to stay. My advice....never make eye contact.





9 Family Secrets



Of course no family gathering that involves this much free food and alcohol can be without a few loose lips. If conflict is the essence of all drama then family might very well be one of its synonyms. It never fails that sooner or later just seeing one another isn't enough of an elation for the Freeloaderus Judgementalist. For this animal boredom breeds invention and before long the nasty rumors about Uncle Wise Man or Cousin Wise Girl began to fly. I try not to get involved. When the buzzing of the rumor mill begins to get too loud I just find a quiet place and hum the 12 Days Of Christmas, it doesn't work, but when you do it you look just crazy enough that nobody will actually bother you.





8 Closet Cousins



Not much to be said about the situation, but we all know that cousin whats his name's FRIEND who happens to be a BOY is in fact his BOYFRIEND. And the only thing its raining in their "shared apartment" is men.





7 Games of Spades



After good food and bad manners comes the obligatory game of Spades in the black family. The rules are simple: 1. Tell as many jokes as you have in your soul to tell

2. Talk more trash that Oscar The Grouch

3. ALWAYS partner with someone over 35 (and if they call cigarettes

"smokes" or "squares" you've already won the game)

4. And above ALL ELSE ...if you value your life. DO NOT RENEG.





6 Awkward Moments



Guess whos coming to dinner...

If she can't use your comb you can bet it will be an awkward moment bringin her home

If that baby is ugly....its gonna be an awkward moment.

When that separated couple gets back together trying to make it work again for the holidays...you can bet its gonna be an awkward moment.



....The Wise Guy Family...providing more awkward moments than an episode of Maury Povich.







5 Nosey Aunties

Of all the animals sitting in your house eating up your food and breathing your air, there will be one alpha and all powerful being who holds the power over all of them. She is the reason why scientists even added the Judgementalist to the relative's name. She is the reason your cousin has that eating disorder and will never get married. Like a black hole, this aunt will suck both the life out of the party and the dignity out of anyone who entertains her self-righteous opinions. She always knows exactly where you are going wrong in live, possessing near psychic powers when it comes to your life. However, just like psychics being blind to their own fortunes, she will always be ignorant of the mess her own family is in. You can handle her two ways: Allow her this moment of victory so she can feel some sort of security in her insecure life, or just ignore her. I'M WARNING YOU...at no time is it advisable to get into a confrontation with this beast. When cornered they become very dangerous.





4 Disliked In-Laws



If family gatherings were Hollywood movies then in-laws would no doubt be the villians. Sure most of them are great. Sure most of them are tolerable (albeit in small doses), but just like every movie generation has its Ike Turner or Darth Vader (or Albert "Mister" Johnson for all you Danny Glover and The Color Purple Fans), every generation of family has that one in-law. They are the ones that everyone in the family dislikes and dislikes everyone in the family just as much. Fake smiles and the high pitched "I'm so happy to be here" voices masks their contempt for everything the family stands for. Equally fake smiles and half hearted hello's give away most of the family's disposition to the newly acquired "bad taste" . Of course, nobody dares to stir up trouble with the loved one who's made the bad choice and of course they are the only ones oblivious to the glacier that forms in any room their spouse enters. But, in keeping with code, we all stick to Momma's Wise Guy's, "If you like em I love em" ethic. But this year I propose a change in doctrine. "If you love em....YOU love em".







3 Wise Guys Afraid To Grow Up



It could very well be the saddest part of the holiday festivities. Theres nothing worse than seeing a 45 year old man who behaves like a 15 year old boy. No job, no prospects, no plan. These Freeloaderus Judgementalists are at sharp disadvantage in the wild, because they depend on your kindness (or pity) to survive. When they first arrive, and believe me they will be the FIRST to arrive, their antics are amusing. However, as time passes you are forced to realize that their playful nature isn't because they are just young at heart, but because they never really grew up. Armed with nothing more than a sharp wit and a dull dream, these injured Freeloaderus Judgementalists live for the holidays and spend the rest of the year licking their wounds.





2 Snobbish Brothers...

Have you seen my new car? I just got a new job making $$$$. My house is so big that when you come visit I'm gonna have to give you a tour! Your life is nice, but let me help you become the man that I AM. If you have ever heard any of these, you have been caught in the web of the Snobbish Brother. I don't know what it is about these creatures but they all share a few characteristics that are older than time itself. First, no matter what the situation, they will always feel as if they are the person equipped to give advice or critique you never really asked for. Secondly, they live in a very impersonal world. (Usually, they are married to that villianous in-law, and if that is the case, then maybe that new found frigidity comes from constantly sitting next to glaciers). The only thing smaller than their understanding for human relationships is their willingness to change. The only thing greater than their egos are....well....nothing? It is that arrogant "Mine is bigger and better than yours" attitude that the family is forced to suffer in silence, although this attack is usually focused squarely at the younger brother. However, all is not lost with the snobbish brother. When caught alone or having a personal problem of their own, the brother can be truly fragile and naturally human and above all, a great brother. And those moments can redeem him from all past offenses.





1 Thankful Wise Guy...

Whether it be my drunk Uncle Roscoe or a brother who thinks he's more that what he is, These are the people that define the twisted little ball of holiday cheer I am. When I just take a step back and look at them all its easy to see why I love them...and why I fall in love with each and every one of those creatures every year. As I look out the window on this holiday, I'm beginning to become anxious to see the familiar faces carried in by the loving aromas of my mothers kitchen. And as the leave begin to turn and the summer's breeze becomes a winter's chill, I once again get that feeling that I always get around this time. I can see my reflection in the window and can't help but smile. Even a Scrooge has his moment. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas...yes, a LOT like Christmas.






Life is... The happiest Holiday of all