Life ...In Moderation

As a child growing up (English majors, trust me, I do realize how redundant that phrase is, but this is my blog and I will write it as I please)...Anyhow, as a child growing up, I was often messy...needlessly dramatic and hopelessly chaotic. Yet at the same time I had always been stoically reserved to the point that people thought me somewhat depressed. I might have been the only six year old who had to be removed from class from nearly having a panic attack over concerns about the Gulf War. It's the duality of myself that I had always found special. The imaginary chemical imbalances that made me both left and right brained. Yet, as I have become a man those throes of passion have learned to subdue. Instead, waiting for a proper time to reveal themselves so as not to be judged by eyes never meant to behold them. It really is curious how life can take what you plan and turn it into what you planned. I had planned on becoming a rebellious celebrity who lived a life both hard and short. I had planned on becoming a rich young man who would have never known a day of working 9-5. Life instead placed me at this desk pouring over graphs and policies. I bought myself a sport coat with plans of papparrazi pictures at the hottest club. Life made me purchase the tie. The briefcase was a gift. I guess what I'm trying to say is that up to this point in my life I had been living on auto-pilot, gracious if not mindlessly allowing the tide to push and pull me where it may. I had woke up one morning no longer the courageous child I used to be. No longer the mischievious misfit who dared dream bigger mountains than he was she he could climb. Instead, I had become a coward to my bills and circumstance and deep down hated myself. At my lowest of lows, I found myself staring at my ceiling morning after morning just searching for something...anything...anything reason to put my foot to the floor and start another day. Dead end job...dead beat friends...and then came the light that would serve as my new life preserver. She was bubbly, foul mouthed and abundantly organic. She was just as confused as I, but seemed to bask in it with a sort of Bobby McFerrin sensibility. That along made her beautiful and her beauty made her indescribable. Admittedly, being who I am, I'm prone to falling in love, but never once had I fallen in trust. Ours was a relationship rife with vices. We overdosed on immaturity and I knew of her liberally. Our binges were sharing laughs under covers while watching late night television and at night while she lay head on my naked chest and covered it in tussles of hair and soft breaths, I consumed all she had to give. With my new drug I was stubborn. Yes, this much is true, but what addict lives in moderation? She made me feel something that I hadn't truly felt in a long time. Important. Outside of the confines of my care, her world was murky and completely in disarray, but with me she felt safe. In the time she was with me she taught me once again that it was alright to dream. I taught her that it was safe to grow up. I showed her the ground and gave her her footing. In return she re-introduced me to the clouds. Ironically, it was only after living in my bubble that she came to realize the true mountains of her own. And as I she packs up for her stint in the United States Army I am both estatic and remorseful. To her, I ask that she continues to find that which she is looking for, but never lose that which she already is. I want you to know that I didnt just care for you and take care of you...I came alive for you. And if you ever lose your light, you can find it all still in the chambers of my chest. I gave you love, and in return you gave me life. Thank you and I love you and I will miss you.